poetry

2am provokings

Remember when you first loved me 

And everything was new 

Only thought about me and you 

But now with you I feel so lonely 

 

You never loved me after all

Just a combination of weed and alcohol

That’ll teach me not to fall 

 

He told me not to be scared of dying (before he killed himself)

I saw myself in the rearview mirror in the uber and I realized I’m who I’ve always wanted to be

 

When I go to my hometown I’m reminded of the bottom from where I started, where you chose to decay 

When I spend nights downtown on my balcony studying I know I’m where I’m meant to be, suffering has the biggest pay 

 

I admit I’ve thought about killing myself frequently 

(but I’ve thought about killing you far more)

 

And yeah, I’ll drink coffee all night

 I’ll cry in my favourite café 

But it’s comforting to know my pain is no longer embedded in you

 

My pain is what I create for myself 

And you have no ownership over any feelings I create 

 

No one does 

(not even me)

 

I know you made a home in my heart

I feel you come and go every day

 

But don’t you worry I can take it from here

I’ll take your grasp on the steering wheel 

Push you far yet keep you near 

You’ll find me grinning ear to ear

Because I’m on a higher tier 

Became one of your biggest fears

Once a love now a single burnt tear

 

It’s only downhill for you from here

 

 

 

we’re all laughing at you

I’ll watch you fall to your death 

I’ll try not to smile 

Bite my lips for a while

 

I’m too young to take myself out 

You’ll never succeed 

Tied down like a tree 

 

Boiling water poured upon your roots

No more room for growth

You’re hitting a new low 

 

I don’t have time to ask if you’re okay 

My head is above the waves

My future is this path I pave

 

 

The older we get the clearer we see

You were never the one for me

Two broken souls completely lost at sea

You grabbed onto me 

Made me weak

Made me bleed

 

But now I see

I’m better than can be

With your spirits underneath my feet 

 

 

 

conscious hallucinations

i’m aware

you aren’t there

but i still stare

i guess i still care

you were never fair

now you’re somewhere

hands in a new pair

breathing in that new air

i am your biggest scare

push your decency down the stairs

finding someone like me is rare

i know i’m still there

that you care

(hold your stare)

(keeping that ring you wear)

(you’ll always be there)

what is existence without resistance? 

but who am i

to fall  & stay in love

 

with someone who never cared if i cried

not even at our peak

 

we’ve had more than enough each other

but i always let you back in

puppy eyes, ‘please’ , ‘it’s not the same without you’

it’s not me

it’s nature

science

chemical

keeping me here

 

what have you done to me?

do you also have days where the world feels empty because i stole it from you?

what is existence without resistance?

what is love without a little war?

is it even worth it?

what you see is just a ghost of who I should be

It’s sad we bleed so deep for each other when we’re basically strangers with familiar touch 

 

Because I’m sticking with the fact

 that you’re always coming back

 because I have what she lacks

Circles revealed in your tracks 

 

I’m in ink across your heart 

I was there when you fell apart 

I’ve been with you from the start 

We’re a disastrous piece of art 

 

You’re in deep this time aren’t you 

You’re so quick to get the tattoo 

Look deep inside can’t you just be true

We’re wasting time it’s nothing new 

 

At one point you loved me face it 

Now you don’t? Another lie left lit

Always been me and you it’s basic 

I’ll be here every time every shift 

 

I’ll keep making me

Greater than can be 

More than you could dream 

See things you’ll never see

snapping necks with my degree 

Living large that’s the key 

(I know you wish you were with me) 

 

call me karen

forever a fool for you
your favorite tool to use
pick me up when you need
a little pick me up indeed

blindly i know you’d choose me
our hearts on the same frequency
every beat a desperate need
to relive those risky memories

i just want the secrets, hide
behind closed doors, ride
the high, we feel so alive,
you are alive and forever mine

 

you made my mistakes

I’ll blame you for all of it 

You’re good at causing shit 

I’m good at forgiving it 

 

I am a monster today

because you had your way

I never had my say

 

But maybe I miss you 

Do you think about me too? 

I get it we’re old news 

 

 

But wasn’t it supposed

       to be me and you? 

find me alone at 2 am (and leave me alone)

you cried

when i talked to the sky

didn’t matter that

it wasn’t another guy

i had no one

you made sure

killing you

was my cure

i’ll lick the blood off my blade

no need to hide in dark and shade

they know

who you are

what you’ve done

They are quite aware

of the demon you’ve become

they say everyone deserves love

but i hope you get none

if there isn’t enough