and so we move along
keep quiet and so
i knew id never be someone
you’d want to know
inside and out i bled for you
veins gone dry
you knew you’d always be someone
who made me cry
tears of fear and gratitude
taste the same
you’re just like those fast cars
can’t pick a lane
indecisive in everything you do
it’s never enough
your avoidance and your anger
doesn’t make you tough
– and what if i said
it’s pure innocence
getting drunk as kids
your buzz felt similar
not pure ignorance
just dumb negligence
not looking both ways
i’ll fall in your smoke trail
should be plotting story lines and times
instead i’m sitting here thinking about how fucking good you’d look in a grey hoodie and jean jacket
share my canadian ways and our cool demeanours – cool until it’s too late, you’re frozen
in time
here with me
(you’re the only one who i didn’t need to be your only one just apart of your world was enough – just having some of you was enough)
they love me because I check in
i ask how it’s going – i ask how it’s been
(most haven’t felt genuine concern in a while)
now i’m thinking… how much apathy
do I have in me
put out selflessly
until they finally leave
(oh the tragedy)
———
consideration – not control
i find myself thinking – no, he wouldn’t like that
or find myself getting things you’d like
because i still consider you
not because you control me
i write more than i think
and give myself less credit than i deserve
i am to please – like my mother
& her mother too
the last thing i said to my grandma
was see you
soon
could be us if you didn’t hate me !!!!
i think my body looks sort of fucked up
you started to change me
then left me with everything dug up
if i can’t have you then no one ever truly will
i’m like a siren
leading them in with my loud hypnotizing bell
but once they’re close for too long is too much
too much
“you’re too much”
but you’ll always hear the echo of my charms bellow and i’m not sorry for that at all
everything i do and breathe is in haste
in another universe i receive the love i give
you remind me how love is so close to hate
and i said
”you’ve got my walls down again”
and you said
“i never did”
i beg to differ
i shake my head
something we will never agree on
but some things, we do
(like denying the entire idea
that we’re doing something wrong)
“””Growing coffee plants indoors inside IS possible but please, don’t expect a large harvest of beans – a single cup of coffee may be possible after months of growth”””
(two years of silence
a single cup may be possible)
and no baby, you win
because i have to go to bed sober and you get to drink our pain away