I bought a beautiful black dress to kill myself in. But now I’m wondering if red is a better color to die in, to match the color slowing in my veins, maybe support a bloodstain lipped as an accessory.
Or maybe I’m avoiding things.
They only want me once I’m not theirs anymore
I’m the ‘it’ll do’
The afterthought
The ‘I suppose so’
But now I will simply
be
gone
Please don’t sympathize with me
I do not forgive
I only apologize
————
I daydream so often about killing you lately
Pushing a solid bullet through your chest
I’ll stay and watch the blood pour from your chest
Until blood drips from your bottom lip
Lips like starbursts lips like rat traps
The only DNA I’ll leave behind
Is one last kiss on your blood ridden lips
This is better for everyone love
The only way everyone you’ve hurt can move on
Is if you’re six feet under
And your body matches the temperature of your cold heart
I’m sorry it had to be this way
But please know
I still don’t forgive you.
————
And you lied
When you said you don’t remember that night
I know you do
I hope it haunts you as you haunt me
I’m sick of this pain partner
That occupies the seat next to mine
I’ve tried for years to shove it in the upper console
I tried storing it underneath my seat
But alas
I suppose I just have to sit with this feeling
It’s like letting someone stab you over and over
I never really had the will to live in the first place so keep stabbing
Let me bleed
I’ll feel the pain to feel anything at all
Not even dirt honestly
more like that sticky stuff between the dirt and rock under the ground
So far down I can be bothered to look for the sun anymore
I was a princess living this fantasy with a prince who could never love me
More like a tragedy
An unfortunate scene of fatalities
So I’ll stay under the ground
Where I’ll look up to dirt feelings
And pretend the sun doesn’t exist anymore
For me,
it really doesn’t
My eyes are refusing to stay open
Much like your mind
It’s on days like these I feel isolated
Hollow, broken, empty inside
I had a dream about a boy
He stopped my heart whenever his eyes reached mine
He sat across from me on the bus
As most of my loves had
Always going somewhere
When really all I want is some time alone
With you
Are you Real?
Are you here?
Should I just keep living in despair?
Is my life nothing to repair?
I’ll always remember your stare
They say you only dream about people you’ve met
But I can’t imagine meeting you and my world not changing forever
Where are you?
And he said, “if you don’t get it off your chest you will never be able to breathe freely again.”
And I said
I do not
Care
About my
Air
I’m in
Despair
My heart will
Tear
I do not
Care
I will say nothing
Just lay my body in the ocean
He always made me smile; I now see this was at the expense of others; when we first met he made the world melt away; I do realize that I had a habit of ignoring the clear red flags placed ahead of me; I was very quick to raise a white blanket in the air and you were quick to take notice – take advantage – but we together decided instead to hide underneath the blanket; we never were good at listening to the voice of reason echoed by every person we met; I remember the first time we heard that song of the summer in your blue pick-up truck, a truck I had convinced you to buy, a truck that became the base of our arguments; Bench seats were built to bring people together; Space was created between us when you sold your truck and you stop listening and talking to me; We used to go to shows that were so loud our ears would bleed; after you left I found myself at show alone and I couldn’t hear anything; My parents used to tell me I don’t always have to be talking – You were quiet with me but your phone was never silent; I got a new iPhone, the one with the three cameras; It’s funny how one day your phone won’t be full of photos of us together, are memories meant to be that easy to erase? A new iPhone update and our love was gone to waste? You always made me mad – I now see this was because I let you; All I did was make you buy a truck so you could see me again.