poetry

bench seats

 

He always made me smile; I now see this was at the expense of others; when we first met he made the world melt away; I do realize that I had a habit of ignoring the clear red flags placed ahead of me; I was very quick to raise a white blanket in the air and you were quick to take notice – take advantage – but we together decided instead to hide underneath the blanket; we never were good at listening to the voice of reason echoed by every person we met; I remember the first time we heard that song of the summer in your blue pick-up truck, a truck I had convinced you to buy, a truck that became the base of our arguments; Bench seats were built to bring people together; Space was created between us when you sold your truck and you stop listening and talking to me; We used to go to shows that were so loud our ears would bleed; after you left I found myself at show alone and I couldn’t hear anything; My parents used to tell me I don’t always have to be talking – You were quiet with me but your phone was never silent; I got a new iPhone, the one with the three cameras; It’s funny how one day your phone won’t be full of photos of us together, are memories meant to be that easy to erase? A new iPhone update and our love was gone to waste? You always made me mad – I now see this was because I let you; All I did was make you buy a truck so you could see me again.

not kids anymore

 

 

i dreamt about you last night

how you tell me its your birthday

sneak into my brain

not my sight

 

 

we just drove like we used to

only drive stick shift

you’re never up to

anything new

 

remember kissing me? won’t let you forget

you loved it at first

but now

do you regret?

 

being away from you

is something

I’ll never be able

to do

mad at my motivation

I always let you know that you could do it 

I pushed you out of love 

You resisted out of fear

We were meant to grow together 

Talking about dreams we had,

Dreams I’m accomplishing without you now.

 

I’ve just been thinking that you can do better.

Everyone in your life hated me because I wanted better for you.

 

I know this is not what you wanted.

You can do better.

 

(Have you heard that lately?) 

heavy conscious tin box

I’ll send you my heart in a box 

A little tin one with some old logo on the front so no one will know.

It will be our secret. I will send you my entire heart first and then you will send yours in return.

Do you promise? It took a lot out of me to gather up the reminiscents of this muscle that used to control me. 

I was really tied up. Making every decision based on a pulse can get you into trouble. 

Is yours still intact? You can gorilla glue or use new memories to mend what’s left on the floor.

Please remember to return the favor. This tin box contains all I had left and I guess it’s yours now. Will I be left on your shelf? Hidden in your underwear drawer?

Let me be the lover you wanted me to be. 

blocked bitch

It’s okay if you’re not where you want to be

But it is not fair to take that out on me 

I don’t care for your hostility 

That’s clearly born from jealousy 

I won’t slow down I won’t concede 

I live on my own with no one to control me

Not my fault you dropped out while I get my degree

Maybe you should spend more thoughts on you 

-Rather than me

 

You will never succeed

With all the hate you bleed 

(that could never be me) 

leave her alone

I can’t find my footing

I feel uneasy with your grip 

 

Can I hold myself up better? 

 

Forever mad at who I’ve been

Striving to over correct it

 

What do you aim for? 

 

Is everything you say and feel temporary? 

Or like me are you a to the grave type? 

 

Will I ever know what is permeant to you? 

2am provokings

Remember when you first loved me 

And everything was new 

Only thought about me and you 

But now with you I feel so lonely 

 

You never loved me after all

Just a combination of weed and alcohol

That’ll teach me not to fall 

 

He told me not to be scared of dying (before he killed himself)

I saw myself in the rearview mirror in the uber and I realized I’m who I’ve always wanted to be

 

When I go to my hometown I’m reminded of the bottom from where I started, where you chose to decay 

When I spend nights downtown on my balcony studying I know I’m where I’m meant to be, suffering has the biggest pay 

 

I admit I’ve thought about killing myself frequently 

(but I’ve thought about killing you far more)

 

And yeah, I’ll drink coffee all night

 I’ll cry in my favourite café 

But it’s comforting to know my pain is no longer embedded in you

 

My pain is what I create for myself 

And you have no ownership over any feelings I create 

 

No one does 

(not even me)

 

I know you made a home in my heart

I feel you come and go every day

 

But don’t you worry I can take it from here

I’ll take your grasp on the steering wheel 

Push you far yet keep you near 

You’ll find me grinning ear to ear

Because I’m on a higher tier 

Became one of your biggest fears

Once a love now a single burnt tear

 

It’s only downhill for you from here