poetry

i kissed you in your car and then it was game over

As I sat on your kitchen counter, I kicked the knob of your kitchen drawer with my old converse I had bought many years ago; it broke off the door and rolled across the floor to the side of the room where you resided.  When I look I see you already staring, my heart fell to the ground in the silence. I wasn’t supposed to be here, but lately it had felt like I wasn’t supposed to be anywhere. But in that moment, with your blue eyes piercing me, my mind was silent.

 



All in one motion, you were grabbing me by the hips and pulling me forward on the counter to kiss me, my knees wrapped around your waist to pull you closer to me. At one point I was kissing you so deep that I didn’t know where I ended and you started, but I wanted to live in that feeling. Your right hand found it’s way up to my neck and you cradled my head while you slipped your tongue between my teeth. You send shivers down my spine that nearly land me off the table. I let myself lose my fingers deep in your hair. I remember thinking ‘your hair feels a lot softer than it looks’ because you had never been one for ‘soft looks’.

Its weird how you can know someone for such a long time and still learn new things about him or her everyday. I’ve known you for 9 years but here I am today, learning what your lips feel like on mine. I never would’ve thought that you would be a wet kisser, then again I never really thought about kissing you.  But now it’s all I can think about; I let you completely fill my mind and take off my shirt.  Button by button you take off my shirt. As soon as my shirt hit the floor I felt you grasp my torso, like it had been something you had wanted to do for a while.

I lifted my head to speak but no words fell out. You recognized this.

“Is this okay?” You whispered close to me. I was not used to hearing you whisper, which for some reason, made this situation feel so real.

“More than.” I answered simply.

Immediately after my answer, you pulled me into you and lifted me off the counter. You carried me in your arms and held me against the wall adjacent to the counter where I once sat. Deeply, you start kissing me as I grab you hard for support.  


—-

 

conclusion

My eyes are tired

 

My body is slowing down

 

But my mind continues to race

 

(I’m not ready to say goodnight)

 

All I think about

Are the places I haven’t been

 

The things I haven’t seen

 

 

 

And baby im so scared

 

Im scared to actually let you go

 

I’m terrified of cutting ties

 

Because this doesn’t feel like the climax of our story love

It feels like the end

meet up at the end

I’m just not the best at this

 

I’m bad at keeping up

 

My mind is on a different route than my heart

And at this point I’m not even sure if they will line back up

 

All I know is my mind is rose and my heart is jack

 

There is enough room for both to float yet I choose to let one drown

 

good morning

i’m not ready to say goodnight

but i’m not ready to say good morning either

 

i want to keep you in my dreams for now

 

i know before i felt like i left you to drown at the waves that once consumed me

 

But then you touched my neck and the entire world shut the fuck up for a second

 

I could hear myself think

I could feel my blood flowing

 

Now you’re far and i’m here dreaming of days when i’m older and can find enough faith in the world to love you (love this) agai

And you’re right darling,

 

We can’t keep dreaming.

You are there,

and i

am simply

here.

we will lose

once i am skin and bones

maybe i’ll finally feel lighter

 

but it’s not weight i want to shed, you see

 

it’s these people i’m surrounded by,

who only think of themselves

 

maybe one day you will look over and see,

i’m sick

and lost

and desperate

 

and i’m sorry

out of the question

(you’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece)

 

I don’t think you and I could make it through a night

When you cant find meaning in anything

You start to believe there is meaning in everything

 

And I see these people who are full of love and passion and it makes me wonder

 

If I will ever get to feel

new leaf

you make me feel more beautiful than i am

 

you find light in me

in raw moments

 

sometimes i wonder

if you think about unbuttoning my shirt

the way i dream about unbuttoning yours

 

 

coming for you

You always got the story wrong

But honey,

they don’t know you like I do

 

It simply doesn’t matter how many hearts you add to her picture

You and I both know part of your heart

is still very far

From you

 

 

(you’re a ghost at most)

 

you’re never going to feel whole

standing by that un-loyal soul

 

 

 

 

 

skydiving//savage

judging by the amount of times I’ve been wrong about people, you’d think I’d be more careful about who I attach myself to.

 

(I take the leap, without a parachute)

 

But here I am, in the back seat of your car melting under your intense warmth.

 

(I’m going down)

 

I feel your strength, your attention, fill the small space in the back seat, but I know better than to believe that this space will always be full.

 

(scream it out like its religion)

 

tell me the truth now, that this is only momentarily happening and you will disappear

 

like the fog we created in your car

am i okay

I tend to feel like there’s something wrong with me

Like maybe my skin feels rough to your touch

Maybe I laugh too much and at the wrong times

Or maybe my body is just so cold from past ventures that you feel the need to keep your distance

I’ve never felt uncomfortable in my own skin

Until my lips fell on your cheek when you turned away from my kiss