poetry

*poof*

I just want to cry a lot

truth or dare

 

i don’t know if you remember but

you used to love me so much

 

“Aren’t you tired?”

Well, of course I’m tired love but if I can’t teach my mind how to stay a float how am I to teach it to sleep?

The mind is a funny thing you know, it plays tricks on you, but no trick was as great as the one you performed on my heart. You enlarged it to it’s full potential

and then made it disappear

magic

 

enjoy where you are now

 

“Just enjoy where you are now

 

I know its hard but my dear you need to put the space between where you are and where you want to be encourage you and not keep you up at night

 

Because not only are there bags under your eyes but I can hear the desperation for power in your tone

 

In time you will be what you were meant to be

 

But please love

Sleep

 

And enjoy where you are now”

 

L.V

You’re Ever Gone

Said is dead

 

You said you loved me

I said I’d never let you down

But here we are

(maybe said really is dead)

 

There was this night in Edmonton that I felt so heavy without you I decided to smoke until my lungs were full with enough clouds to lift me from that balcony that we used to cry on together. After 3 joints I forgot my name, but I still remembered yours.

–

His fingers traced my right collar bone

Am I scared

Am I okay

 

I still feel you on that couch

And it’s been empty ever since

i don’t think you were losing the game of life

Tristan was problematic to our group from the very beginning. He was the rich kid with the newest iPod, always had the cool ‘zippo’ binders you could draw on, the huge mansion, all the perks in life that Jace and I could only dream of. But we were young kids when we met, you know, when money doesn’t really matter much.

Fuck, I don’t know if you remember this but I hope you do.

It was Jace’s 9th birthday party. We all went to his dad’s house and hung out in the basement all day while his dad told us crazy rock star stories from his old band days. I’m pretty sure Jace’s dad even showed us his belly button piercing that day, we were not impressed.  We ate a huge guitar cake that Jace’s mom had spent the day making. Anyways, I don’t remember at all what I bought Jace for his birthday, but I remember what you got him.

The Game of Life: Toy Story Edition.

I made that it’s own paragraph to let you all know the importance of this board game in our lives. We played that board game non-stop for a year and a lot happened that year. That board game got us through my first year at the Christian school, away from them and my other friends. That game got Jace through his parent’s divorce, which we all knew would not end well. And Tristan? That’s the thing about him; I don’t remember Tristan’s hurdles as a young kid like us. It was when we got older that his demons came to play.

So I hope you know that when I think of you I don’t think of you as the guy who hasn’t slept in weeks, smoking his 30th cigarette on my balcony, telling me he needs time on his own to think. I think of you as the guy who always helped everyone with their hurdles. Whether it was playing a stupid board game for the 50th time, or helping me with math homework that would give me panic attacks, or making Jace get on stage to perform for the first time ever at our elementary talent show, you were always there.

And I guess I just wish I were there for you the way you were for us.

i kissed you in your car and then it was game over

As I sat on your kitchen counter, I kicked the knob of your kitchen drawer with my old converse I had bought many years ago; it broke off the door and rolled across the floor to the side of the room where you resided.  When I look I see you already staring, my heart fell to the ground in the silence. I wasn’t supposed to be here, but lately it had felt like I wasn’t supposed to be anywhere. But in that moment, with your blue eyes piercing me, my mind was silent.

 



All in one motion, you were grabbing me by the hips and pulling me forward on the counter to kiss me, my knees wrapped around your waist to pull you closer to me. At one point I was kissing you so deep that I didn’t know where I ended and you started, but I wanted to live in that feeling. Your right hand found it’s way up to my neck and you cradled my head while you slipped your tongue between my teeth. You send shivers down my spine that nearly land me off the table. I let myself lose my fingers deep in your hair. I remember thinking ‘your hair feels a lot softer than it looks’ because you had never been one for ‘soft looks’.

Its weird how you can know someone for such a long time and still learn new things about him or her everyday. I’ve known you for 9 years but here I am today, learning what your lips feel like on mine. I never would’ve thought that you would be a wet kisser, then again I never really thought about kissing you.  But now it’s all I can think about; I let you completely fill my mind and take off my shirt.  Button by button you take off my shirt. As soon as my shirt hit the floor I felt you grasp my torso, like it had been something you had wanted to do for a while.

I lifted my head to speak but no words fell out. You recognized this.

“Is this okay?” You whispered close to me. I was not used to hearing you whisper, which for some reason, made this situation feel so real.

“More than.” I answered simply.

Immediately after my answer, you pulled me into you and lifted me off the counter. You carried me in your arms and held me against the wall adjacent to the counter where I once sat. Deeply, you start kissing me as I grab you hard for support.  


—-

 

conclusion

My eyes are tired

 

My body is slowing down

 

But my mind continues to race

 

(I’m not ready to say goodnight)

 

All I think about

Are the places I haven’t been

 

The things I haven’t seen

 

 

 

And baby im so scared

 

Im scared to actually let you go

 

I’m terrified of cutting ties

 

Because this doesn’t feel like the climax of our story love

It feels like the end

meet up at the end

I’m just not the best at this

 

I’m bad at keeping up

 

My mind is on a different route than my heart

And at this point I’m not even sure if they will line back up

 

All I know is my mind is rose and my heart is jack

 

There is enough room for both to float yet I choose to let one drown