poetry

 

you turned me into an idea but i like to think i was your brightest one

no because at one point i was everything to you 

and you can’t hide from that 

because i saw the desperation in your eyes day in and out 

 

you wanted my time

at a time 

 

now i’m a grandfather clock  

an orchestra piano 

and object for your fingers to meddle with 

(but your favourite one – you remind me) 

i should awe at the thought

instead, i dream up schemes of regret 

(your regret – i should clarify) 

i’m a loose leaf 

three whole punch

read between the lines for once

all i’ll ever be

three whole punch

margins always off centre

easy to crumple up

and leave behind

and so we move along 

keep quiet and so 

i knew id never be someone 

you’d want to know 

 

inside and out i bled for you 

veins gone dry 

you knew you’d always be someone

who made me cry 

 

tears of fear and gratitude 

taste the same 

you’re just like those fast cars

can’t pick a lane 

 

indecisive in everything you do

it’s never enough 

your avoidance and your anger 

doesn’t make you tough

– and what if i said
it’s pure innocence

getting drunk as kids
your buzz felt similar

 

not pure ignorance
just dumb negligence

not looking both ways
i’ll fall in your smoke trail

should be plotting story lines and times

instead i’m sitting here thinking about how fucking good you’d look in a grey hoodie and jean jacket

share my canadian ways and our cool demeanours – cool until it’s too late, you’re frozen

in time

here with me

---

(you’re the only one who i didn’t need to be your only one just apart of your world was enough – just having some of you was enough)

 

they love me because I check in

i ask how it’s going – i ask how it’s been

 

(most haven’t felt genuine concern in a while) 

 

now i’m thinking… how much apathy

do I have in me

put out selflessly

until they finally leave

 

(oh the tragedy)

 

 ———

 

consideration – not control

 

i find myself thinking – no, he wouldn’t like that

or find myself getting things you’d like

because i still consider you

 

not because you control me

 

i write more than i  think

and give myself less credit than i deserve

i am to please – like my mother

& her mother too

 

the last thing i said to my grandma

was see you

 

soon

 

 

 

could be us if you didn’t hate me !!!!  

 

i think my body looks sort of fucked up  

 

you started to change me  

 

then left me with everything dug up 

 

 

 

 

if i can’t have you then no one ever truly will  

 

i’m like a siren  

leading them in with my loud hypnotizing bell  

but once they’re close for too long is too much  

too much  

“you’re too much”  

 

but you’ll always hear the echo of my charms bellow and i’m not sorry for that at all