I need to remember your love is so fake

You put rings on things you don’t want forever

While messaging girls across the continents

Spending money on making those folders in your computer fuller 

(Your index from highschool probably still on your desktop today) 

Never did I think I would be one of them 

The girl she’ll find in your phone 

Will she break a photo frame like I did? 

Keep forgiving and upload to insta so everyone knows your hers? 

What a sad thing to promote – a depressing cheer

I take comfort in the fact I am no longer her

i get it

you want to see if it’s still there

you want to see if i would stare

you want to see if i still care 

(I’d like to know too, but truth is, love and hate is so close when it comes to you)

I promised myself I wouldn’t let you in my bed again  

Could we maybe meet at a hotel instead?  

Silly calf tattoos  

Sun is out all night 

These are the days I will miss 

-I just know it  

Incoming call from Spain  

Then Toronto came calling my name 

These are the days I’ll reminisce  

-I just know it  

I know it’s selfish of me honey yes I do  

But I think it’s time I stop living for you  

No hate no anger not even sympathy  

I just think it’s about time I live for me 

Me me me – a bitch’s cold plea  

Now I hear it as a melody  

Me me me – so silly so free  

Please oh god  

Just let me be !!!!!  

]]> 1746 https://mandavi.ca/writings/fight-n-flight/ Mon, 29 Mar 2021 17:19:04 +0000 http://www.mandavi.ca/?p=1530

I’m sick of this pain partner 

That occupies the seat next to mine 

I’ve tried for years to shove it in the upper console

I tried storing it underneath my seat 

But alas

I suppose I just have to sit with this feeling 

It’s like letting someone stab you over and over 

I never really had the will to live in the first place so keep stabbing  

Let me bleed

I’ll feel the pain to feel anything at all

Not even dirt honestly 

more like that sticky stuff between the dirt and rock under the ground 

So far down I can be bothered to look for the sun anymore 

I was a princess living this fantasy with a prince who could never love me

More like a tragedy 

An unfortunate scene of fatalities 

So I’ll stay under the ground 

Where I’ll look up to dirt feelings 

And pretend the sun doesn’t exist anymore

For me,

it really doesn’t

I had a dream about a boy 

He stopped my heart whenever his eyes reached mine

He sat across from me on the bus

As most of my loves had

Always going somewhere 

When really all I want is some time alone

With you 

Are you Real? 

Are you here? 

Should I just keep living in despair? 

Is my life nothing to repair?

I’ll always remember your stare

They say you only dream about people you’ve met

But I can’t imagine meeting you and my world not changing forever 

Where are you?

And he said, “if you don’t get it off your chest you will never be able to breathe freely again.”

And I said 

I do not

Care 

About my 

Air 

I’m in 

Despair

My heart will 

Tear 

I do not 

Care

I will say nothing 

Just lay my body in the ocean 

But it is not fair to take that out on me 

I don’t care for your hostility 

That’s clearly born from jealousy 

I won’t slow down I won’t concede 

I live on my own with no one to control me

Not my fault you dropped out while I get my degree

Maybe you should spend more thoughts on you 

-Rather than me

You will never succeed

With all the hate you bleed 

(that could never be me) 

I feel uneasy with your grip 

Can I hold myself up better? 

Forever mad at who I’ve been

Striving to over correct it

What do you aim for? 

Is everything you say and feel temporary? 

Or like me are you a to the grave type? 

Will I ever know what is permeant to you?